Funny Top Ten Lists - Top 10 Signs That You're Getting Old By Don G. Asmus

- In the Spring, your fancy turns to thoughts of bringing up phlegm.

- You know how woolly mammoths did it.

- You only continue to work for the death benefits.

- Sun damage has turned more than 50% of your face into suede.

- You assume that "The Grateful Dead" were a bunch of women with oversexed husbands.

- Your favorite pickup joint has emergency pull chains in the rest rooms.

- More and more friends are dying in tongue scraper accidents.

- All your girlfriends are on the lookout for a good stool softener.

- Only a bulky diaper prevents you from pulling your pants all the way up to your armpits.

- Your skin temperature is roughly the same as a banana daiquiri.

Even if you don't have any of the foregoing signs of aging, it doesn't necessarily mean that you're out of the woods. You had better check to make sure you don't have any of the following lesser-known signs of impending geezerhood ...

- You choose your friends on their ability to serve as pallbearers.

- You have at least one stump.

- All your pets are on the endangered species list.

- An acupuncturist informs you that your Yin has left your Yang.

- The couple sitting behind you in the theatre ask you to "lower your hump."

- Your sperm refuse to swim uphill.

- You always consult a mortician before buying new clothes.

- -Viagra- is backing up into your truss.

- You only seek immediate medical attention for a sink hole that lasts longer than four hours.

- Spirited foreplay causes death rales.

If you would like to conduct some additional research about the aging process on your own, we highly recommend the following textbooks:

(1) "Who's Who in Prostate Enlargement"
(2) "Two on a Spinster: Shocking Report on Nursing Home Sex"
(3) "Consumers Guide to Environmentally Friendly Headstones"
(4) "The Joy of Moving Your Bowels"
(5) "Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sputum, But Were Afraid to Bring Up"